The real estate industry has specialized terminology which may sound like code words in a particular communicative context & may not always be clearly understood. The below glossary is offered in jest along with a chuckle or two.
ADDRESS - What a housewares.
BELOW MARKET - Nobody wants it.
BRIGHT & SUNNY - Window treatments missing; no blinds, shades, drapes, curtains, shutters, sheers, louvers or slats. No coverings whatsoever.
BUILD SWEAT EQUITY - Needs renovation from the studs up. See Good Bones.
CHARMER - Old.
CHARMING - Small.
CITY LIVING - Exterior doors have 3 deadbolts.
CLOSE TO BEACH - Impossible to park within 5 blocks.
COMFORTABLE - Extremely small.
COMPACT - No room larger than 9 x 6.
CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
CONVENIENT TO SHOPPING - Next to strip mall.
CONVENIENT TO FREEWAY - Next to the on-ramp.
CONVENIENTLY LOCATED - Ear plugs required.
COUNTRY CHARM - No indoor plumbing. See Useful Outbuildings.
COUNTRY LIVING - Distances are measured in hours.
COZY - Too small for human habitation.
CUL-DE-SAC - Fancy dead-end living.
CUTE - Tiny.
DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight path of nuclear bomber base.
DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH - Upside of a rundown property.
DIRTY, UGLY, SMELLY - Dirty, ugly, smelly.
DOLLHOUSE ADORABLE - Nauseatingly cute.
EASY TO SHOW - All doors were removed.
EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.
EXTRA STORAGE - Three wall hooks.
FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Yard is a jungle. See Natural Landscaping.
FRESHLY PAINTED - Single coat of whatever discontinued color was on sale.
FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD - Infested with busybodies.
GOOD BONES - Needs renovation from the studs up.
INTIMATE - Smaller than charming.
HANDYMAN SPECIAL - Ready to collapse, don't go in without boots on.
HOME SICKNESS - Reoccurring feeling when mortgage is due.
HOMEOLOGY - The study of real estate.
INTIMATE - Smaller than cozy.
LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many large holes in walls & ceiling.
LIVING ROOM - The place zombies are most attracted to.
LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE - About to be condemned.
LONG HALLWAYS – Home feature that truckers most prefer.
LOTS - What you need to know to excel at selling vacant land.
LOW MAINTENANCE - No yard.
LOWER LEVEL GAME ROOM - Ping Pong table over basement sewer grate.
MINT - Mouthwash spilled on carpet.
MORTGAGE - Some dream to pay it off while others dream to get one. See Home Sickness.
MORTGAGE BROKER - A real estate broker without a sense of humor.
MOTIVATED SELLER - Been on market for 14 years.
MOVE-IN CONDITION - Front door missing.
MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - Has been on market twice before & still no one wants it.
NATURAL LANDSCAPING - Yard is a jungle.
NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage, code for fall through floor.
NICE CONDITION - Needs paint.
NOT A DRIVE BY - No curb appeal, look for a “Property Condemned” sign.
OFFERED “AS IS” - Money pit.
OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning, has cobwebs.
OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed all supporting walls.
ORIGINAL OWNER - No upgrades since the year it was built.
OUTSTANDING - Painted bright purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.
PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above the boiler gets warm in summer.
PLENTY OF PARKING – Stadium across the street.
POTENTIAL - Will cost more.
PRESTIGIOUS - Expensive.
PROPERTY - What a British real estate agent cares most about.
RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - Nobody else wants it.
REALTOR - Someone in constant need of closure.
REPOSSESSED - How the haunted house escaped foreclosure.
SECLUDED - Far far away. See Country Living.
SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.
SELLER MOTIVATED - Must sell prior to defaulting on mortgage.
SOPHISITICATED CITY LIVING - Next to noisy bar.
SPRINKLERS BROKEN-ON - Constant source of irrigation. See Waterfront.
SUNKEN TUB – Floor not level.
SURVEYOR - King Arthur's knight who determined property boundaries.
TENANTS - How many insects it takes to make a rental profitable.
UNIQUE - Remodeled by someone tripping on LSD.
UNSPOILED - Previous owner made zero upgrades or improvements.
UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof.
UNUSUAL LOCATION - Directly in path of proposed freeway.
UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.
USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet. See Country Charm.
WATERFRONT - Broken sprinkler in the front yard.
WATER VIEW - Need a ladder & binoculars.
WELL SITUATED - In full view of the neighbors.